music-heals

My goodbyes (please read)

Um OK well here is that journal entry I promised everyone, I just hope you aren't pissed at me, I didn't mean to make such a big deal out of it, well I mean it is; for me, and I know not everyone is going to care. I know this is long, and it doesn't take a lot, for your attention to be well lost but please read it all, it just means so much to me. Sorry for removing your work from my favourites, I did this for two reasons one quite simple, the other, and not so simple. Um I dunno where to begin, well obvious reason number one; I am leaving deviant art, the other reason is somewhat to do with why.

If I was just leaving well then of course I  would have left your work in my favourites, of course I want people to think you're great cause you are and I wouldn't have favourite it in the first place without a reason, the same for un-favouring it. Man it's just soooo hard to explain, I care I do, I wouldn't have wrote you all comments or wrote this if I didn't, the truth is, please don't anyone offended, you are better than this place and it took me one year two months and not entirely 16 days to figure out why….

Apparently what makes a good artist (and I think this goes beyond this site) is your comments and favourites and I couldn't disagree more, this IS NOT TRUE and I can't believe you and I are being told that, what makes someone a good artist and I am so sorry this seems to be only my opinion and that this is what we are supposed to stand for, I feel used. What in my opinion makes you a good artist isn't exactly wanting to be a good artist it's caring and trying it's have potential, if you were just to write poems cause it's a category on this site, don't bother wasting your time ask yourself why, if you were to write something for no goddamn reason or haven't got a clue what you are talking about well then that's pretty stupid isn't it? I believe if you do something without a reason or for the sake of it, it will never reach your highest standard only can you reach it and go above it when you care, don't do something for the sake of it or 'because' if poetry wasn't an option on this site, but you joined it anyway ask yourself would you be here today? I'm not pointing fingers at anyone and of course it's different to joining this site and whatever viewing poems, talking, whatever becoming interested of course that's different it's showing an interest, everything I said is also included in drawing and photography and well art a definition of art is not trying it cause you're jealous someone else is good at it or well beard is a fun word…I mean everything is art, cause well it's beautiful, and when you create something that is too, so why force it, why pretend you care, one question, the answer to a lot of things-why?

I don't want you people to be under-credited thinking ''you suck''
Nor do I want you over-credited and then become vain and stuck up or whatever

Each piece I had favoured I regret removing from my favourites, but once I reminded myself why I felt better. I'm sorry, and for if you don't understand or agree…

You all know how much artists there are out there and their work is amazing and they have no watchers not favourites no comments(or very few on each) and then there are people who's work is general ok I'm not saying I'm miss know it all judger what I meanings they don't give a crap submit whatever whenever for no reason no thought, no hard work or meaning and they are promised a comment or favourite or whatever….there are also people who are what good whatever told ya not being stereotypical here and are also promised this

What I am saying is it becomes nothing to do with the work but person, and I'm sorry people but this is an art site or was meant to be, we have ruined it, in my eyes I see deviantart and a chat room overcrowded with art thefts, liars, stereotypical ignorant bastards, pointless what 'posers' and in the middle a few cool people struggling (hey a few outa a million is a load…)please people who I've asked to read this I'm not talking to you, but I've had my fair share of assholes on this site, more than actually….over a million people, you can't expect us all to get along, let's make it clear I'm not the one with the problem

I 'm also sorry if I ever offended anyone, don't get me wrong I am not trying to be miss no it all perfect cause I am far from it, and admitting it, though I do try in life, which in my opinion is better…

Anywho I hated submitting something or coming onto this site knowing I was to get at least what ten comments on my latest poem, isn't that saying that I'm getting it more for me than for my work, I could submit something great, something terrible and I'd doubt half the people would recognize the difference.

Before I'm finished making my million paged answer please hear me out

I have no reason, no point to submit my art on this site anymore and I'm gunna list all those reasons out here, now, some of you may ask why and I'll tell you why cause I care, I say it and I mean it, though whether or not you believe it….
And I want you to know, just getting my view across, honestly I don't think any of us should be on this site, and not because you 'suck' because people do….


Ok well with my reasons….

Why are we on this site?
To show other people our work, see what they think, to help us and our work to 'grow'…..

So why isn't any of this happening for me?
I mean I show people my work, but it doesn't do anything for me….
I just realised showing other people, doesn't do me any good, I mean what has it done nothing, and helping me and my work grow, didn't work wither, my mind and the mind of a few others are the only things that really help me….

When I joined this site my poetry was meh ok-ish it needed a lot of improvement, and I think I can proudly say in just a year, it has grown so much, I mean there is some of my work I can look at and say wow, as if it was one of you guys, and admitting to myself something I did was good and admitting it out loud is well hard so I'm proud I can say it. But the thing is I made me better I helped me and I'm sorry to say no one else did, and don't be annoyed at me, I'm the one who should be annoyed, how many people who watched me only watched me cause I watched them or said hi, or commenting on one thing, COME ON HOW MANY? If you won't raise your hand in the air I'll gladly do it for you, and I'm pissed off about that, not many people watch me cause of my work, I mean yeah there are a few and thank you but come on, I know not all of you did cause of my work, I have people who come onto my page watch me go away and don't ever speak to me again, what can I ask is the point? To set me up? Cause once again we are abusing deviantArt's prividglies?

I'm not singling people out and praising them nor pointing the finger at others but few people who commented on my poem had a clue what I was saying and even less meant it when they said they liked it

Tell me why you did/do like my work
Tell me why was it 'deep'
Tell me what type of 'style' I have
Tell me why you bother commenting, thought I'd be offended?
No sorry I would rather log on and have two three four people discus my poems with me tell me what they liked, disliked and why
Rather than logging on and having 13 14 people tell me 'oh wow a poem, so descriptive' when you haven't got a clue? Don't get me wrong It's ok to favourite things without saying anything, and it's ok to be left speechless or unable to describe, your like, dislike towards it I'm like that, and sometimes I know wow or poor or whatever is all you have to say, I got a little bit to mad at ya'll trying and failing miserable to keep my temper under control, but come on guilty faces admit, I'm right.

Another thing is a whole lot of you out there aren't able to face the truth, I've lost count of the amount of people who yay when someone praises there work(not that that's bad it isn't)but(this is) ignore people when the critique there work or be well very rude. Let's make this clear shall we

People are entitled to there opinion and once you have a critique encouraged or critique welcome sign, they are very welcome to their opinion, if they are rude about it, or verbally abuse you or 'attack' (ya no e.t.c) they are in the wrong, also if you disagree with them of course you to are welcome to your opinion in the same manner you wish them to use ahhh see it's a two way thing….

Ok other reasons smaller things

I'm sick and tired of everywhere I turn seeing  naked ladies or people making out or 'gothic, suicide, punk…' you people don't know how much I hate stereotyping, beside the fact that I've been stereotyped against which has caused me to be bullied for 12 years of my life!!! it's horrible and I hate seeing it done, don't fucking ever try to put me into a 'group' or anything, Elaine tell them hoe much I hate it tell them, what you warn other people when you whisper behind our backs 'don't say that in front of Amanda, she'll kill you' people make me sick, but it's also the fact that woah, daily deviantations have turned into pointless shity porn! I'm not saying all pictures with people in their nude is porn, and I understand some of it's art, and that's fine with me, but woah there is a line between art and porn, and you guys have crossed it! No it's for the sake of it, or pictures of naked women and it's covered up to be art, and then you guys rant on(when I say guys I don't mean men like guy just stands for everyone girls too…)about ''there's some good porn man'' I've fucking see your journal entries!!! And for those who disagree ok then so how come there doesn't seem to be any male pictures of 'art'hum? Eah thought so….

Ok moving on…..

Ok, um yeah (please still read you can't judge me till the end…) there are other little things about this place that annoy me like me friends are on it, so I was limited on what I had to say, not so as I can't tell them but what if they didn't want us to say something involving them knowing they had to read it or face it or be apart of something they asked not to be! it's called respect! also I was mad cause some of them only joined for the sake of it no matter how much they deny and I should be just as pissed off with you as everyone else (actually no I'm fair) because it's the exact same thing, right?right! So don't fucking quit because I did and two of our other friends did, and don't not quit because I just said that, think for you alright?!

I watch too many people what 110 more people? And I can't keep up with it, especially when ya submit like 10/20 things a day, and I'm not exaggerating, some people submit easily 50 things a day not everyday though but still like woah, my message centre is fucked I never get my comments and I have to go looking for them, and I also have an extra journal entry that never shows up I'd say something but I'm leaving, so if you guys have the same problem, well then it's up to you. Also nearly every time I reply a comment I have to try again later or my name changes to unidentified, unidentified.

Ya anywho as I was saying earlier on, I'm sorry If I ever offended anyone and I shouldn't but that doesn't mean if I was ever right I'm now wrong, because then nothing changes in that situation.

Also wow there is it me, or did a lot more people than usual join this year? Well I hope they read this….I'm not saying think what think and say! I'm saying think about what I think and say

Also on this whole jark thing, and community thing, I wanna clear up why I decided not to follow this august 7th thinger, and this is why;

All those people who didn't even no who jark was or who didn't even care, are now his biggest supporters (please don't think I'm saying that is everyone because I know it's not I know some people knew and supported him before all this and well go them) but that's why I couldn't come apart of it, I had being apart of just one big contradiction….
I mean you didn't give a fuck, I thought I was supposed to and I care about things but why all of a sudden would I be sticking up for something I wasn't already, just like people to wait until something bad happens until they react, if we cared to fucking much where were we ages ago, telling jark he is the heart of dA' I read a lot on it, and how he suffered stress an everything from this site, where were we then for him? If anybody was good for them really, but what about the rest of us? And as for community the exact same thing, a community is when a whole load of people are brought together in which this case we are, and I'm sorry I don't agree with this community, as I don't most…. Why act different, why wait until the big horrible thing happened until we react? Because we want to seem like we care, because we are ignorant we are, we are, we are. If you disagree, why? Back to the big question, why?

I'm not deliberately pissing people off and it wasn't intended I'm speaking the truth, something we all fear.

Another thing I am to submit my poems ok, and how do I protect them for being stolen 'hem hem this is copyrighted' but anyone any one copy and paste? And I don't want to take that risk, I also don't want dA to own my work, or anyone, I wrote it for me, on how I feel with my family friends, people life, the person I love, and nobody can nobody</b></u> can know exactly how I feel, my feelings wrote it, not your's! You may come close, but seeing as we are all individuals

Ok I know I wrote tones so far, but I still have to get to my main reason why I'm quitting dA this doesn't necessarily have to concern you, but it can happen, and it does so in a way….

The internet is not 'healthy' for us all to be on it as often as we are, how any of you people can admit you're addicted? How many of you people snort and say I can go without the internet I just don't want to I'm grand? Cause you both are in the same boat. I didn't like admitting it, but ask my family or friends I'm fucking addicted to it, I easily become addicted to things, it started of with just the internet, I use to go onto boerd.com a lot I use to go onto 'song meanings' I got so pissed off with everyone there, I mean it was actually called song meanings and people would come up with things like 'who cares, songs with meanings are boring, and then they use those big words, they're the idiots, plus they're sooooo hot look at them…I'll choose na na na na na na any day over a song that means anything, god you're sooooo stupid'' I got way to mad(oh yeah I get angry really easy in case you haven't noticed^_^) so I forced myself to leave so I came across chat rooms, which my dad introduced to me so yeah! And I was on them for a while, while still going on to them I joined dA (not because I wanted to stop going on chat rooms I was still going on them for much longer) then Christmas came and I had over two weeks holiday were mom expected me to study for 6 and a half hours each day ehh no sorry so from 9 am to 5 pm everyday I would be on the internet like that's' 8 hours for what 14(not including weekends I only spent some hours on it then)days Jesus how man hours is that? I also spent most of Christmas on it, and on st Stevens day (Boxing Day^_^) I was on it from 5/6 pm until 5/6 in the morning, Jesus I have a goooood memory. Um and I would be on dA a lot also then one day I said no, no more chat rooms and I've only been on a few times since(I'd pop in and then say um meh and go) so after school I'd go on it, finally I'd have the time I needed for dA I submitted loads, and watched loads of people, got a good few watchers myself, went grand for a while, until we got thousands of viruses and well my computer would barely turn on, and then my bother was very ill, in hospital of nearly two weeks, haven't told you all this no, too personal yeah guess I am now…and that was February 23rd(same day it was annoyed about blink182…actually technically the day before, but that was the day everyone found out…)um and that's when I wasn't going on for a while(and I swear it killed)my bother got better, and the computer didn't so then I started going to internet cafes, four euro an hour! And sometimes in Elaine's house but the messages built up….finally my computer was fixed but I wasn't allowed back on because I had the junior cert grrrr, so the day I finished the junior cert I was back on (after dinner and taekwon do) hum the 17th of June I think it was) I spent all night on it I didn't go to bed until 6 am ish and well since then I've been on it all day and if not all night, when I don't need to I mean well yeah to get through all my messages but come taking over me, some poems on this site I write when I was fourteen and I joined this site when I was fourteen but for all of my fifteenth year, well this damn site has possessed me. And well I'm different I am, I grew up I did didn't I, and well this is my past, everything that has a beginning has to have an end, everything but one thing, and this isn't that one thing, the only thing that doesn't die is love….

I don't need this site anymore it's my distraction, my wasted summer, my wasted year, a year I needed to me, a year i lost, a lot of thing happened this year, with my two grannies and my brother thing, and my moms family and friends and guys well some things I just don't want to talk about….so excuse me if I keep it to myself….

I felt so weird when I was on dA I mean I don't get the same excitement I use to get, I use to be excited did anyone see my work…alalala….now I have no reason to be excited I just get those weird feeling thinger blech I can't explain in, dA is like a panic attack, which I've had enough of thank you….near the end I could no longer comment, I got to emotional when looking at people's work, I look to much into things, everything reminds me of everything and I hate it, I hate that weird feelings. Why do loads of people go on da come on Damien you said it the other day, you miss dA you wish you could be on it right now (instead of walking down he street with me, the shop isn't that far away….) it's something to do when you're bored! ha see but the funny thing is it isn't something to do, no actually I have a lot of other things I should be doing, and do you know what before I finish this off I'll go do it, see I'm addicted to becoming un-addicted if that can even make sense ok I'm back yeah anyway as I was saying really 'I need something to do' is just an excuse nobody ever becomes bored, you make yourself bored, how come I can sit an think and not be bored by option but when sitting in a car i'm bored can't I sit and think or listen to music, if I was at home it's what I do, see it's all in the mind…you tell yourself i'm bperd let's go on dA, but i bet you have one million other things to do, and loads of you spend an awful amount time online, everytime i look....

At night I just can't sleep I haven't properly slept in a month or two and I need sleep with this site out of the way I hopefully will get that sleep I need. I know other things keep me awake, but I think it will be much easier now this is out of the way….

You people I watch are great you are and I won't log on again after I submit this, I'll come back on every once in a while not logged on to check on some people, and if you left any comments I'll read them, yeah….so it's back to the start checking out this site, except this time I know, this time I know…..I'll miss it at first, but I'll be relieved I left, I won't actually miss it for what it was, but how much it meant to me…it was like another home…seriously….I'll miss some of you….I have hotmail I just don't know if it works, here's my address anyway frank-the-fairy@hotmail.com yeah I'm frank that fairy^_^

The only reason I leave my name on your friends list is because well I kinda want ya'll to remember me, and I'm so sorry I never made the-last-petal into a proper account I was supposed to I was really

Um just have a few more things I wanna say, and I know I've said so much, but it's a whole year and more we're talking about here….

Um ok as I said I've grown I kinda feel like I created music-heals became her and then killed me, no I grew the end, I'll still wear my music-heals pleclace and I'll write all my poetry into a scrap book make something of it, and of course continue to write, I mean I wrote before I joined this site….and I got my digital camera today (my birthday!)so I want to be gone now, be gone so I don't spend any of my sixteenth year here, yeah I'm really weird, but no it's not, I have so many reasons.

For all you people who view my site, after I left, who never knew me when I'm here do not label this a wasted account</b></u>it is not, it was very much so used, I'm leaving only my journal entries here, more as proof to me than you, you I don't care….I had 71 devitations nearly 400 favourites 65 watchers and it's no different to now! I had my very good reason(s) so don't dare say that, don't dare, fuck you! And for that guy who goes around watching wasted accounts! Don't you dare watch me; IT'S NOT A WASTED ACCOUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!

One last thing about this site which drove me inane, other people have problems too, and I'm sorry I can't deal with taking in hundreds, if people ever want/wanted to talk to me of course they can, but it's hard, especially when those people turn out to be your close friends…

Ya know other reasons I kept to this site, maybe without knowing it was cause I like English ok and I hated my teacher I was pissed off how she always seemed to pick on me and for what good, what pissed me off even more is what I got in my mocks….an f yeah there ya ok, and people on this site tell me wow my poetry is amazing and they'll never be as good as me (thanks really, but if you really believe that trying does..)that's the only one thing that drove me insane then helped me, It's not the same thing, for my exam I don't write poetry….maybe English isn't for me, not the way they teach it, I rather stick to myself my own beliefs rather than taking others…there was also other things if felt that kept me going onto this site maybe knowing or ot knowing it i don't wanna talk about,*cough*moving on

For those of you I'll never talk to again, have a nice life, and good luck….

I know there is a lot of people unfairly banded sorry for them

And if I am for some reason banned for this journal entry(sorry you can't handle the truth)well I'm soory too, for those who didn't get to read it….

I'm going to send some of you notes now….

And sorry I couldn't keep up my person every week for you to check out, I'll give you loads now


Here's thanks to all my watchers(even though what I said)



and yeah those I watch, you want good art, and my people I suggest(even though some I just found out, are banned! And some left, yeah took their work with them…)




Yeah I hope that weird box thing doesn't come up, um, yeah ok so I'm going to go  now, wish I could say it was fun, it was partly but not a lot I can defiantly say memorable, god everything feels like the matrix, well ciao I'm off….happy birthday to me….bye…

questions(you don't want to ask)and answers(that kill)</u></b>

googoo dolls

iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all i can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And i don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who i am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of thruth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And i don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who i am

And i don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who i am

And i don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who i am

I just want you to know who i am
I just want you to know who i am
I just want you to know who i am

googoo dolls

hate this place

Gone away
Who knows where you been
You take all your lies
And wish them all away

I somehow doubt
we'll ever be the same
There's too much poison
And confusion on your face

Can you feel it
I didn't mean it
Can i see you
What are we doin'
I think I love you
But I ain't sayin' nothin' you don't know

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

Take your time
Move yourself to me
Yeah I can take your lies
Until you fall away

You know I'm lost
hiding in your bed
No I don't think it's wrong
It's just gone to my head

Can you feel it
I didn't mean it
Can i see you
What are we doin'
I think I love you
But I ain't sayin' nothin' you don't know

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

hey whatcha do to me
Would you come back to me
Yeah I can't do another day
I'm not certain of it anyway
I'm not messin' with another life
Can I get on without you
tell me lies
That you
Know I need

Hold on dreamaway
your my sweet charade

Hold on dreamaway
Your my sweet charade

Hold on dreamaway
Hold on dreamaway

when you look around and the entire world seems to be staring(at you)am i that different?

before i begin my journal entry i want to say something

liquify.deviantart.com/journal…

www.t52.org/

or should i say they want to say something
i'm not gunna say anything in my journal entry i've nothing left to say these two probably cover alot of it if not all, just read please if you haven't already

if you wanna comment on it to me fine, even if you disagree and want to 'set me straight' tell me what you believe is the truth, though i don't want people shouting at me i said(well am saying) i wanted to hold a conversation not a shouting match, that's not going to do us good, though understand more willthank you.

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well not much is up, i started guitar and keyboard one on one lessons about two weeks ago(man my other teachers were crap atleast compared to my knew one) she *cough* i said she, just to all you people who instited it was a guy is amazing, she teachers you so much and she doesn't care if she runs over time, she has her own unquie way, but the best part is for between one two hours it only costs.....10euro, i know i couldn't believe it:!:
i brought fourty euro and i still was scared asking her the prise my mouth litterly went yay!

i wanted to try a new thing i saw o few people to do mainly go it from i think...
well i hope he or whoever it was doesn't mind me doing it also, i just thought it was a good idea (see it's a compliment, for me to want to do it) each journal entry i'm going to recomend a new person
bascially if there is a person's art and gallery i love and want others to see i'll post it here with what i have to say, just for them to get noticed more, cause they deserve it

i'm going to start with one of my off dA freinds(and that's not why) i know her as a person off dA already so i was glad when she set up an account

she is a lovely person and writes beautifully, her poetry always amazes me and i couldn't possible choose a favourite though i'm sure i've often said i could and a good friend, this weeks one(and first person to start with) is

and her recent featured devitation is
www.deviantart.com/deviation/1…

if this in anyway upsets or annoyes anyone(people being recomended or not) with a good reason i'll stop
though please don't say it's unfair
i don't believe that because they're are plently of people on dA who get noticed for things that are 'unfair' and i can't stop that, but i'll listen to what you have to say, you could have a good point, otherwise thank you.

well thanks for commenting on my previous journal entries people, means alot i think i'll write you all a short letter.

dear the people
opps i lied when i said alot hadn't gone on, it has, and i won't tell you what it was, there are times when life seems very unfair, and to all the wrong people and i really don't understand why, i use to understand until i seen the otherside of lifes 'story'i sometimes think i lived some former life and was a dicustingly horrible person, and this is payback, well whatever it was i'm sorry....there's still that one thing that scares me most, these stupid 'werid' feelings have only gotten worse, now i don't even try to sleep before dawn, i'll think i'll try tonight though, i'm desprete for sleep. do you know what is it possible for love to make you physicaly sick?i think it is.i have to write elaine her letter it takes me so long then i get annoyed at what i say and throw it away.sorry elaine(no not you sorry sligo elaine, yeah i know you were confused for a second ta se ceart go leor mo chara i don't even no if i spelt all that right blech)i miss summer, this summer has not been summer, what is wrong?something huge is different and i don't know what it is, if i hadn't of known better i would have thought i am living a different life in a different world and with not a too simailr mind this year.....my friends have all gone to the cinema to see charlie and the choclate factory, hope it was good, thanks for waiting an extra ten mintues...i shouldn't have said that see this is the whole first account second account thing tell them amanda ok the-last-petal.deviantart.com/… read and don't hate me too much i told ya'll didn't i?oh elaine, phil and shiobhan you guys already read it and i love you three don't get me wrong and the rest of our group.

thank you for listening once again
night, night
moi

my letter from me to you, it may be long, but otherwise i'd be cutting everything out.....



Dear 'the people'
well hello i decideded to write this is a letter form, because i write the same 'way' everytime and i hope it helps to cut down on what i have to say but still 'says' it....

how do i begin? Today earlier on i arrived home from a two week journey from mallorca(can't even attempt to spell) and well it was as i expected, it was unbarealy shit. It's late at night now (sunday morning) and i've picked up my old habbit, staying up all night on the internet *scarastic yay* i dreaded every moment in that place, from the day we left i was excited and 'overjoyed' about coming home, seriously.I don't like the hot weather( how come people are sick to 'harm' themselves in anyway with let's say a knife, but not 'sick' to lie out under scorching hot rays of the sun and BURN themselves to a crisp?) the air i hate, toxic, the fact that it's a different country away from the people i love and two whole weeks(that alone kills)with my family, tourture for reasons disclosed, all i can say is i am not selfish and spoiled, it's for their own good, i'm saving you can't you see?No, never will you see, and never will i tell you how i feel...

i spend most of my time listening to music or (finally) getting around to reading my kurt cobain book (now onto the journal scarey) and i have mixed feelings about it

i wonder why nirvana fans (and obviously fans of kurt) choose straight away the 'it was suicide' option when i half the time believe it's what they think the want kurt to hear them say, you know i don't think i can put my finger on any 'theiory' i mean if i totally choose one and ignore all others is it not being just being plane ignornat, i find there was more to prove it was murder but i thought that to be unfair since it was wrote from a baisis point of view, anyway i don't know why i'm disusing this, if anything i think kurt would think, i think he would hate me, so i'll stop.

well it's summer time and i'm back from my 'hellidays' so now i'm going to have a good time, my friends, music and cinema is all that is going to consist of my summer, and i'll be sixteen in august i can't wait (though i'll always be twelve in my mind, michelle and well me)

do you know what?(obviously not if i'm going to tell you )
do you have anything you hate
i mean not a person or fear or holiday, date
but a thought
a like a phoiba against a feeling

i had a very weird disturbing dream when i was on holidays(well a few) but this one stood out in paticallure (ironic, since i can't remember half of it, that's because i don't think the other half existed)

i had this weird feeling iside of me, i can't describe it just so horrible....well in my dream i described it as a mixture between a feeling you get when you have a panic attack and this ( i don't know what 'this' is but i looked at something and felt so horribly crap) then i said this is the way i feel each time i watch donnie darko and i watched a clip and started screaming in pain and i lay on the ground to die ALONE and i was attempting to kill myself

when i awoke i forgot about this dream and then later on it just like hit me and i felt just so crap

another one was me and my friends being chassed by our assains and i turned ont them and killed them (so distusing and horrific i don't want to expalin)i killed my assain.

And the third was me back in ireland on my road taking pictures of the sky and stars were rare, so i tryed to capture them but i just couldn't!so i went to change something when a sudden storm blew in, a hurricane came and somebody shouted everybody grap onto something for your dear life, each person graped onto a poll, i grabbed onto him...

dreams scare my they are so much more than thoughts feelings and imagination, as i always say 'each image is a word strung together to make a beacutiful language.' you know they remind me of music and the sky

jimmy eat world- 'even if your heart would listen i doubt i could explain' yeah that kills me

well another subject i wanted to ramble on about was faith and destiny, do you believe in them, if not why? I'm very scared and i don't want to loose him, i don't like this game, life is a bitch.

love's a bitch, and i began to think, what if the reason for not 'getting them' is because when you do there is nothing left to do than die?

i had a theiory that in life you life it to find that special someone and when you do and after you lve life you die together to be together forever call it heaven if you want, and those that don't find them or real love after they live life and die then come back again to try maybe they were born in the wrong time, i hope this is my time, i hope he is my 'other half' then if what i said is true what is this hell? would explain alot

i wrote alot when i was away i dunno after a while of 'writers blaock' i just had this huge emotional what spur i dunno

all i know is i hate that 'weird' felling
and emotions are dangerous very dangerous

well thank you for listening
talk to you soon
my Temporary freind
love you xx
mandy